


Model Home

by kallooh



Category: Absolutely Fabulous
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:09:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28138953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kallooh/pseuds/kallooh
Summary: The fashion magazine where Patsy is Fashion Director puts on a fundraiser.A contemporary AU - if seasons 1-3 were filmed now.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 15
Collections: Yuletide 2020





	Model Home

**Author's Note:**

  * For [StripySock](https://archiveofourown.org/users/StripySock/gifts).



ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS

Episode: MODEL HOME

CAST LIST

EDINA MONSOON  
PATSY STONE  
SAFFRON MONSOON  
MAGDA  
FLEUR  
CATRIONA

SET LIST

Interiors  
Holland Park house  
Edina’s bedroom  
Kitchen

Magazine  
Patsy’s office  
Conference room

Savoy Hotel  
Ballroom

1 INT - EDINA’S BEDROOM - MORNING

We open with a view of sunlight through BLINDS and the BLARE of a klaxon alarm. The camera pulls back to reveal Edina in a tall bed covered with pillows, a mask on her face, startled and disconcerted, waving her arms and legs.

EDINA  
Saff! Saff! Saffie help!

Saffron walks in, already dressed in khakis and a grey cardigan.

SAFFRON  
Mum, you know all you have to say is Hey Siri -

The alarm stops.

SAFFRON  
\-- and it will turn off.

She gives her mother a pointed look.

EDINA  
Well darling I don’t see how they can expect one to remember that first thing in the morning when one is barely conscious, when one is jolted awake by blaring noise noise noise.

SAFFRON  
You could choose a different alarm tone.

EDINA  
Darling you know I sleep very soundly --

SAFFRON  
\-- because you start completely passed out

EDINA  
 _Ignoring Saffron’s comment_  
And you might be able to wake to birds singing or whatever insipid sound your alarm is, because you live a quiet, sad, unsocial life, but I have been in the front row at concerts and been to real rager parties that went on for days darling, I need to be woken by something that overcomes the hearing loss from living a life.

Saffron turns and leaves the room, shaking her head.

2 INT - KITCHEN - MORNING

EDINA enters coming down the stairs, wearing a short, loose dress in a patchwork print over leggings and Uggs. SAFFRON sits at the table, drinking tea and reading a hefty book.

EDINA walks to the refrigerator and opens the double doors.

EDINA  
Now I need to have a proper breakfast, got a big day ahead darling, a big day.

SAFFRON  
Continues reading and ignores her mother.

EDINA sets a plate of croissants on the table, then goes to the coffee machine.

EDINA  
Darling where are those coffee pod things.

SAFFRON  
In the drawer directly under the machine Mum. I don’t know why you bought that machine, it’s so wasteful.

EDINA  
George Clooney wouldn’t advertise any old espresso machine sweetie. If George Clooney’s face is on the ad, it must be good.

EDINA opens the drawer, pulls out a handful of pods, tries to put one in and fails. She tries and fails twice more.

EDINA  
Help Mummy darling! These bloody pods must be defective, they won’t go in.

SAFFRON sighs, walks over and inserts a pod in the machine effortlessly and presses the button.

The DOOR BUZZER sounds. EDINA walks to the phone, waving her hands slightly, answers, then pushes a button. A minute later PATSY comes down the kitchen stairs, dressed in a short dark dress with a long jacket over it and knee-high boots.

PATSY walks directly to the refrigerator, where she pulls out a bottle of Bollinger and pours herself a glass. She walks back to stand next to where EDINA sits, dipping her croissant in her espresso.

PATSY  
Hey Eddie. I thought you were doing keto?

EDINA  
*Modified* keto darling, you know my body can’t handle full on keto.

PATSY  
Right. Today I have to stop by the magazine. We’re meeting to discuss our fundraiser fashion show.

SAFFRON  
Oh what are you raising money for?

PATSY  
Failed models who live in a former models’ home in East Finchley. A former model who dated a rich old man convinced him to leave his mansion as a home where models could live cheaply after they got too old to have successful career. Only models with at least two seasons on the catwalk qualify to live there.

EDINA  
 _Nodding her head_  
Excellent charity, and since they are all former models the upkeep of the place is dirt cheap, hardly any food budget at all darling.

PATSY  
Eddie, you should come to the meeting too. We could use someone with your event planning skills.

EDINA  
Do we have time for a quick stop at Harvey Nicks first?

PATSY  
Oooh, of course. Always time for that.

3 INT - MAGAZINE - PATSY’S OFFICE

The office is quite disorganized, with a half- full ashtray and half-dead bouquets on the desk, sample clothing and accessories strewn throughout the room.

PATSY and EDINA enter. EDINA immediately begins to look over the clothes. She holds a jacket up to herself.

EDINA  
What do you think Pats?

PATSY  
 _Glances over, then starts chucking the flowers in the bin._  
No one is wearing that designer since they came out as straight.

EDINA drops the jacket and continues looking over other clothing, making an even bigger mess.

PATSY  
 _Opening desk drawers_  
Ha! I must have left this here last time I was in the office.

She holds up a joint.

EDINA  
When was that darling?

PATSY  
Two months ago? I think.

MAGDA comes just inside the office.

MAGDA  
Oh Patsy, great you’re here, we’ll be meeting in five minutes to go over the final details of the fundraiser. Looking to make it a quick review as I have a conference call with Victoria Beckham’s people in twenty minutes.

4 INT - MAGAZINE - CONFERENCE ROOM - AFTERNOON

PATSY, EDINA, FLEUR, and CATRIONA sit around a large table littered with makeup samples, papers, champagne bottles, and other detritus. FLEUR and CATRIONA are glued to their phones. PATSY and EDINA are drinking champagne from plastic flutes.

EDINA  
Lean in everyone, selfie. I need to post to my Insta.

The four ladies lean together and smile while EDINA takes about 20 photos.

FLEUR  
You have an Instagram account?

EDINA  
I usually use it to showcase little gorgeous things I have in my shop. Now and then I like to add a bit of personal color, give my followers a sense of the face behind the account.

PATSY  
She’s an influencer! What do you have Eddie, 130,000 followers now?

EDINA  
 _Nods_  
Yes, that’s right

FLEUR  
However did you manage that?

EDINA  
 _Looking slightly surprised_  
I bought them. There are sites where you can buy in bulk, probably poor people in third world countries with not much to look at.

MAGDA enters, ending a phone call.

MAGDA  
Right, we have the models lined up, venue booked, menu and drinks set. What’s going in the swag bags? I need a new mobile, but I don’t want that giant iPhone or anything in an ugly color.

FLEUR  
We have the newest eyeshadow palette from Fenty for an electric night out, lip stain in classic colors that take you from work to weekend, and the latest in facial sheet masks with real Amazonian rainforest orchid pollen serum.

MAGDA  
Nice. Next!

CATRIONA  
A friend has a lovely new accessories shop so I thought we could include some scarves? And possibly also bangles?

MAGDA  
Good. Now Patsy, which designers are lending clothes for the models to wear?

PATSY  
I couldn’t get the big names but I did get some unpronounceable up and comers.

She hands Magda a slip of paper

MAGDA  
Abacaxi, Sindiso Khumalo, and Ahluwahlia? That should score us some DNI points. Make sure the photographers get loads of pictures. We’ll put a double spread in the next issue.

PATSY  
Will do Mags, absolutely.

MAGDA  
Right then, ladies, gotta call Posh’s people. See you tomorrow night.

5 - INT - KITCHEN - LATE AFTERNOON

EDINA, wearing a high-low dress in a large red print and two large necklaces, drinks champagne. PATSY enters, wearing a very little black dress with a statement necklace, her hair higher than usual.

PATSY  
Oh Eddie is that -

EDINA  
McQueen darling? Yes, yes it is. And are those Laboutins?

PATSY  
Turns her ankle to show the red underside of her high heels  
The MP bought these for me last month.

EDINA  
The one who..?

PATSY nods.

EDINA nods with her, making an ‘mmmm’ sound.

SAFFRON comes down the stairs.

SAFFRON  
Where is this fundraiser taking place?

EDINA  
The Savoy sweetie. Wonderful cocktails.

SAFFRON  
The Savoy? That must cost a fortune.

EDINA  
People don’t want to give money unless they get something fabulous in return darling. You can’t expect to put some crackers and cheese out at the local pub and get the big donors in. You can’t offer canapes and Buck’s fizz at some town hall and bring in the kind of people who people want to see. The people with real money expect to have multiple opportunities to have their photos taken in their designer clothing and then posted in Hello! and on Instagram, to show how generous they are.

SAFFRON rolls her eyes.

PATSY  
Let’s get going Eddie. As the Fashion Director I need to be there early.

6 INT - SAVOY HOTEL - BALLROOM

The ballroom is crowded tables covered in glittering glassware and bottles of wine. A catwalk sits in the center, people mill about exchanging air kisses, gossiping and judging everyone else’s fashion choices.

EDINA stands alone holding a champagne flute, then tries to insinuate herself into several groups of people, all of whom ignore her attempts.

PATSY comes in from one of the doorways to the backstage.

EDINA  
What an amazing turnout Pats, well done! Everything set with the models and clothes and things? You were back there a while.

PATSY shares a knowing look with a handsome younger man who winks at her.

PATSY  
Yeah all good. The magazine staff have things well under control and of course all the girls know what to do, they remember from the days when they still thought they might be the next thing. Probably what they do in their spare time at the home, pretend they are walking the catwalk again. Anyway they are really excited to be here tonight.

EDINA  
Ooh look there’s Naomi.

_She waves enthusiastically_

Hi hello hello Naomi! Remember me, Edina Monsoon! We worked on that promotion together!

NAOMI CAMPBELL pretends not to see EDINA.

A server offers glasses of champagne from a tray.

PATSY takes two. EDDIE places her empty glass on the tray and takes a full one.

PATSY  
You know Eddie I’ve always envied your sense of purpose - you have your business

EDINA  
And I have the shop!

PATSY  
And the shop - and I, I’ve had a great life but tonight makes me realize I can do so much. Here I am helping raise funds for those poor sad sack former models, and helping bring publicity to up and coming designers. I'm really, you know, making a difference here.

EDINA  
Of course darling, you know I always felt you had it in you to do so much more.

PATSY  
Maybe the magazine could hold other fundraisers. We could help, you know, other people who need help.

The guests seat themselves at the tables. FLEUR and CATRIONA, who is wearing three scarves and multiple bangles, sit with EDINA, PATSY, and others. Servers bustle about, pouring champagne cocktails and serving small plates of food.

MAGDA walks up the platform.

MAGDA  
Thank you all so much for coming to the magazine’s annual Model Home Fundraiser. This year in addition to the fashion show put on by the residents of the Home, we have a special auction for some lovely items including a retired racehorse. Please welcome special auctioneer Allen Leech.

Sounds of polite clapping.

PATSY  
 _In an aside to Edina_  
I’ll special auction him

EDINA nods and laughs.

PATSY and EDINA pour cocktails down their throats and comment on what other guests are wearing, occasionally talking to FLEUR and CATRIONA. Others at the table chat amongst themselves while the auction proceeds in the background. At last the final item, the horse, is up for bids.

PATSY  
Who needs a retired racehorse. Oh, maybe you could get it for your bitch daughter, give her a chance for a ride.

EDINA  
The only ride she’s like to have in ages.

They laugh loudly together and EDINA enthusiastically sloshes booze out of her cocktail glass while waving with her other hand.

ALLEN LEECH  
The lady at table six bids 10,000

EDINA  
More the fool her.

PATSY  
Eddie, this is table six. I think... I think you just bid on the horse.

FLEUR  
Oooh exciting. Do you like horses?

ALLEN LEECH  
Do I hear 10,500? 10,500 pounds folks for a fine filly of a horse.

Edina looks around, a somewhat desperate look on her face.

EDINA  
For a good cause people! Come on, bid, let’s get in the spirit.

The room, formerly abuzz with the sound of chatter, cutlery clinking and glasses being refilled, is now very quiet.

ALLEN LEECH  
And the lady at table six wins!

CATRIONA  
Oh well done Edina. So kind of you to support the model home like that. What will you do with the horse?

EDINA smiles weakly

7 INT - EDINA’S BEDROOM - MORNING

Edina is sleeping sprawled across the bed with pillows strewn everywhere.

Saffron bursts in.

SAFFRON  
MUM!! Mum there is someone out front saying he is here to deliver a horse??

Edina sits up in the bed, hair askew, blinking.

EDINA  
Yes well darling it was for a good cause and I remember you always wanted a horse.

SAFFRON  
When I was ELEVEN

EDINA  
Good things come to those who wait! Now could you be a help to Mummy and figure out what to do with your horse.

SAFFRON  
NO

She storms out.

Edina falls back on the bed.

END EPISODE

**Author's Note:**

> I had [this one](https://www.neimanmarcus.com/p/alice-olivia-janis-smock-neck-button-front-godet-mini-dress-prod234510216?childItemId=NMT14U6_&navpath=cat000000_cat000001_cat58290731_cat43810733&page=0&position=79) in mind for Edina's outfit on the first morning.
> 
> The McQueen was something like [this](https://www.alexandermcqueen.com/en-us/dresses/love-heart-taffeta-jacquard-poet-sleeve-dress-643146QHAAS6054.html).
> 
> StripySock, I also love how monstrous Edina and Patsy are and at the same time have an amazing friendship.


End file.
